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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.