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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Life`s short ... Drink fast
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well