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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.