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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.