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Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.