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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.