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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)