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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.