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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"