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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.