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Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.