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someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Not so great minds also think alike.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.