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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?