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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.