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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.