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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"