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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late