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The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.