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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day