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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.