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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.