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I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.