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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.