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When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.