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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Walmart needs observation decks.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...