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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Better late than pregnant.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Life`s short ... Drink fast