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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.