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Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
I think, therefore i`m single.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.