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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.