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My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.