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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.