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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I have a black belt in leather
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.