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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.