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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.