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Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.