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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.