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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.