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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!