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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.