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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…