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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars