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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.