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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.