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It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours