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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.