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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.