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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
Please do not read this.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.