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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”