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I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
What’s the answer to this question?
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!