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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.