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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....