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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!