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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...