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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.