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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.